Dear Clara

I've been thinking about you a lot lately, I kept looking at the date as today got closer and closer. Its your birthday today. Your 31st birthday. I posted happy birthday messages on twitter and on facebook. The same way I do for everyone when I can remember their birthdays (I'm bad at remembering, you know). But you're not here. And I had to go onto facebook, back through your timeline because I've completely forgotten the day you passed. I didn't forget that it happened, it would be impossible to forget you, but the day itself, the actual date, I forgot.

Its been less then a year since you've been gone. In some ways it feels like its only just happened, the same disbelief that I felt when I first heard the news... How can you be gone? In other ways it feels like a lifetime ago that I got see your beautiful face, hear your wonderful laugh, or get to hug you because its been so long since I last saw you... It was always like that. Every time I saw you, there was this feeling of Why don't I see her more? But thats how you were, you were a magnet to everyone who was fortunate enough to call you a friend. I can picture you in my mind, and you're always happy. You're smiling, you're laughing, even that memory of you and Kenny at Denny's where you walloped him, and he fell to the ground, I'm pretty sure you were a bit pissed at that moment, but I remember you laughing right along with the rest of us. You never had a cross word for anyone, you were gracious and charming and so so kind. I'm sad that we weren't close enough where I thought I could call you if I were sad, but that was stupid of me. You would have listened. You would have cared.

Work was hard today. I kept thinking about you. I kept hoping someone from the Noble Crew would show up at my restaurant. I wanted to be with someone who knew you, I wanted to be able to tell some one, out loud, "I miss Clara so much today" and have the person I was saying that to reply, "me too." I wanted even the breifest hug from someone who would understand: the world is just that much less joyful because you're not in it. And then, I took a spill. Tripped on lettuce in the kitchen in front of 10 other co-workers, and went down like a leaded weight. They asked if I was alright and helped me up. Later I was thinking about how if you had been there I would have laughed at myself for being a spaz, and you would have joined me. Not because you delight in the pain of others, but because you knew that laughing at yourself is the best way of getting over things. After that I felt a bit better, thinking of how much joy you got out of life.

After work today, I had a drink in your honor. I sat in a bar nursing a beer thinking of how full of life and love you were. Remembering your face, your smile, the sound of your voice. As I remembered, as I looked back on pictures, as I facebook stalked you, I wanted to laugh and I wanted to cry.

Clara Crawford, I miss you so much. I wish you could still be with us, I wish your Birthday could have been a day of joy (your Bday party would have been AMAZING, I would have spent the afternoon laughing with you and the rest of the Noble crew, never wanting it to end), I wish I could hear your laugh, just one more time.

Happy 31st Birthday

All my love, from your friend,
 Dulce