This post is not what i thought it'd be...

     Its totally been awhile, but things got busy. Not in a I-have-so-much-work-to-do-I-have-no-time-to-chillax kind of busy. More of a I-have-planned-so-many-blog-worthy-things-to-do-that-I-don't-actually-have-time-to-blog kind of busy. Ok, well, most of it was that. But the past days have just been sadness over Esther passing. It really does suck that someone with so much life in them didn't get enough time to live it all, but it is a comfort to know that she lived her life to the fullest. The 16 short years she got weren't in vain, they were lived more fully them some people get whether its 30 years or 60. When I was younger and the man who would have ended up as my uncle passed my mom told me that sometimes people need to die because God has a need for them up in heaven. And I don't know if thats true or not, its hard to imagine that any human can do something that God himself cannot do, but I do believe that heaven is a greater place for having Esther in it, and I would like to think that God did have a need for her and thats why we don't have her anymore. I didn't know her as well as I wanted to, and certainly not as well as her closest friends had the privilege to but the little I did know was proof enough that this girl was a miracle in and of herself, and she will not be forgotten soon, if ever.

      I honestly didn't think I was gonna blog that much about Esther. I thought I was gonna mention being sad and then move on... it's hard for me to put out so much real emotion were other people can see it. Because 1) I tend to not share my stronger emotions more often then not (truthfully its probably why I will never be a published author) and 2) its even harder for me to put it in a place thats meant for public view because then I feel that it becomes less about what your feeling and more about how will the people reading it construe it, and then I just fall apart thinking how does this sound, maybe I should use this word, do I sound fake? will people mock? etc etc etc...

     I really am all talk. For all my posturing about how I don't care what other people think of me, that the only thing that matters is my own opinion, and that the mean and petty comments i may hear about myself are actually quite amusing to me cause I know who I am and thats all that matters... Its all lies. I do want to be liked. I'm still that stupid 14 year old who's so scared of rejection that I'll hide who I am because I don't think people like who she is. It's not as bad as it was back then, but its still there lurking under the girl I am now. There are times when I really don't care if people think I'm stupid or annoying or a bitch (truthfully that last one bothers me the least- being bitchy is a choice, one i make a few times, but stupid or annoying are the kind of things that I feel are harder to stop being- my intelligence is what it is and if my personality is annoying I also can't help it- its who I am, who I've been these past 24 yrs...)

     But then there are moments that I won't say something, or I'll let something pass because I don't want to bring attention to myself or give people the opportunity to think I am stupid...

     I still have the same low self esteem I've had since I was a kid. I know this and I want to change it, but I don't know how. How do you stop from thinking a certain way?